Toys are designed to give a kid some joy in their life. But these toys (mostly from the 80's) had a different idea behind them. They boldly said "Sure, any toy can make a kid happy, but few can turn the average day into a childhood gauntlet of pain from which few will survive.
If you owned one of these toys and are still with us... kuddos to you. Here are the toys with some more appropriate taglines that SHOULD HAVE been on the box...
"The indirect way to whip your children in public"
"As close as you can get to a live, loose python going for your throat in your own backyard"
"If this actually sells our next toy is just a screaming clown beating kids with a wiffleball bat"
"The game of balance, falling, head trauma, and needing someone else to feed and clean you for the rest of your life"
"Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, oh crap low ceiling or stairs"
"When you plummet face-first-you-will-remember to stick out your hands. Otherwise you'll shatter your cheekbones and no matter how much reconstructive surgery you get it'll always look like your eyes are slowly sliding towards your mouth"
Super Elastic Bubble Plastic...
"Until you're old enough to suck on cigarette smoke why not inhale toxic plastic"
"The polyvinyl acetate says science! The noxious fumes says your kid will soon forget how to count"
"The balloons don't actually come in swirling, psychedelic colors. You only see that once the liquid plastic blocks the air to your brain"
"Enjoy a vicious beat-down in your own living room"
"By the time these inflated gloves pop or fall off you'll be in fighting shape to break your brothers nose"
"How to channel your passive-aggressive anger into raining fists of fury on your friends head, all the while laughing and saying, 'Aren't we having fun? AREN'T. WE. HAVING. FUN?!?"
Power Rangers Samurai Mega Blade...
"Pull the release and the swords blade extends two feet... unfortunately, your friend was only one foot away"
"Until steak knives and fireplace pokers are considered toys you'll have to do with this"
"It's the very same spring-loaded sword the Power Rangers would use if suddenly their show took place in the middle of a gang riot or prison laundry room"
Agent Zero M Sonic Blaster...
(BTW, that's a young Kurt Russel in the commercial)
"Rest the bazooka on your shoulder right up against your ear and listen as the extremely loud air blast becomes the best thing you never hear again"
"No, really, the air blast actually rendered children deaf"
"Seriously, I'm not joking, that's a young Kurt Russell in the ad who, by all rights, should be acting through sign language or screaming due to the air blast that shattered ear drums as well as knocked down cardboard buildings in a really cool, fun fashion"
Are there any toys from your childhood you survived? Feel free to share via email!